The fear of ill health…

Tomorrow I go to the lab to get a bunch of things checked. It will be a general check, but it’ll be to see what’s going on with me.

My self-diagnosed worry is that it’s pre-diabetes, or worse…diabetes. Insulin-dependent diabetes. Cancer would also be scary.

I’m hoping that I’ve just caught a virus and that I’m fine. But, I don’t think so. Something is up. I’ve been exhausted for weeks and sleeping a lot. Well…I’ve been staying up quite late, and then napping after my morning shift. But, still…really tired. Off and on sore throat. Crusted nose for weeks. Stomach up and down.

4 days ago it cracked. I had a green tea latte from Starbucks and I felt…shaky and that night, I had cold sweats while I was sitting on my bed. I’ve noticed for a while that my memory hasn’t been great. I feel spacey. The last few days, I’ve felt worse: not only spacey, but nauseous, dizzy, short of breath…it’s disconcerting.

I’m going on a plane in 2 days for a couple of days and I really want to enjoy myself. So, I hope that this isn’t serious. And then 3 days after that, a flight home.

Oh, please dear Universe and the powers that be…I will continue to take better care of myself. I will be much more mindful about my eating habits and the sugar that I put into my body. Please, please let it be something innocuous that I can feel better from without long-lasting bad effects. Like, having better sleeping and eating habits, not to mention exercising, is my agreement.

I remember about…4 years ago, we were at my grandma’s house. She is diabetic, so she checks her blood sugar levels often. Occasionally, my mom and I will check ours as well. That night we had had a pretty sugary dessert (I think it was tiramisu) and as usual, I had gorged on dinner. When we checked our blood sugar, my mom’s was in the normal range and mine was high. At the time, I thought that one’s blood sugar level never varied. That the pancreas kicked in right away and regulated it.

But, so I found out, that’s not true! It does vary a bit. Not a ton, but some. Especially if you check blood sugar right after dinner.

I just texted my mom and she also mentioned that it could be adrenal fatigue, which also makes sense.

The last couple of days, when I checked my temperature in my left ear, it was 37.5-37.8 range, while my right ear was normal (about 36.8). I thought that was odd. I do feel like I have a bit of a fever. My head feels weird. But, who knows?!

The point being, that other time when I checked and my sugar seemed high. I went and got it checked at the clinic and one measurement was normal, while the other one was a bit off. The doctor seemed to think that I was fine though. I remember praying to Universe then and saying, Please let me be okay. I’ll give up sugar for good if I’m okay. etc etc.

But, sugar is powerful. I had the intention of being better with it, but slowly but surely, I went back to my old habits. So, am I in the same position again, 5 years later? I hope I’m fine. At the time, it was just my blood sugar itself that was off. I personally felt fine. This time, I’m not feeling well overall.

So, we’ll see. This time, I’m also committed to making more of a permanent change in my habits. The last 4 days, I’ve had no sugary snacks. An apple and a banana this morning, before breakfast. Other than that, I’ve been good. So, maybe it’s also me coming off the sugar that’s affecting it too.

We’ll see tomorrow. xo




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