Let’s talk about sex…

I feel like in our society, sex is such a taboo topic. In many schools in the U.S., abstinence is taught, vs actually educating youth about sex, disease, pregnancy etc. Not surprisingly, those are the same places with the highest rates of teenage pregnancies.

Sex is not always such a simple thing. Besides the physical act (which also varies on that definition, depending on who you talk to), there are emotions involved.

There are serious things like consent. And how that relates to drinking alcohol, doing drugs, being told No and then acquiescing…saying No in a relationship or in a marriage.

There are so many “gray” areas of Sex. It is not so cut and dry.

Then there are really taboo topics like sadomasochism, polyamory, age of consent, underage marriage, etc.

I find that when these topics come up, especially if you’ve never personally been around it, they are scary.

I was reading an article the other day about how many underage marriages there are in the United States!!! So many people talk about countries on the other side of the world where this happens and how it’s not right etc etc…but this is happening right in the US!!! It talks of a child of 11 years old marrying a 30 year old man. Because he raped the child and the child got pregnant and in order to avoid dishonour, the family of the 11 year old child thought it would be a good idea for the child to marry the man.

When I read that, I felt sick. I felt sad. I felt…this is WRONG.

If I take a deep breath and take a step back, I can think about…how about if this is my conditioning that is stopping me from really evaluating this situation? My knee-jerk reaction is that it is wrong, but what if I’m not considering all possibilities in a scenario. I find that helps me to evaluate things better.

In my opinion, people shouldn’t be getting married until their brains have matured enough for them to make an informed choice for themselves. Almost always, it is girls that are getting married very young, and often to old(er) men. I don’t believe these girls are able to evaluate for themselves whether this is a good choice. They’re not old enough to think of the consequences in the world and for themselves in the future. So, the parents who allow their children to get married so young, and especially to men much older…I personally believe it’s harmful.

The same goes for men who have sex with underage girls. I think that the girls may not be fully aware of the consequences of sleeping with a man at that age. And I personally think the man is just excited to be with a young girl. Our society shows how appealing that is: young, vibrant, body developed, innocent, often adoring, eager to please and malleable…

Many girls that are under 18 (and often older) don’t fully have the cognitive recognition of how they affect men…how men see them and how many men look to women because they want to have sex with them, conquer them etc. That it’s not about them as a person…it’s about them as a body. The genes that have been put together to form their physical form.

Sadomasochism…I think that’s also a tricky area. Some people love it. I am not interested in it at all. But, I do believe to each their own. As long as there is VERY clear consent on both sides and with an evaluation of the power/authority dynamic. So many people were entranced by the 50 Shades of Grey books. Many men thought the women were into the dominant/submissive aspect of it (and from talking to various men, and reading articles etc, many men like to be dominant and in control). But almost every woman that I spoke to was not turned on by that S&M aspect of the books, but by the thought of a very handsome, very wealthy man choosing them, an average looking, non-ambitious, woman. And sweeping her off of her feet. She is the only One. She is special.

Polyamory. Good in theory, but complicated in practice. I took a course recently that was telling us that from back in the caveman survival days, men were very promiscuous spreading their seed. And the women couldn’t be. Because when they got pregnant, if they didn’t know which man was the father, he wouldn’t take care of her and then she (and her baby) would be vulnerable. That makes sense to me. For back in the caveman days.

Nowadays, I believe that, if both men and women are HONEST with each other, and consistently checking in with each other, then polyamory can be possible. As with any relationship, an open, continuous conversation is needed.

Where the problems arise, I believe, are when people aren’t honest. Especially women. Many women try to convince themselves that they’re okay with sharing a man with other women. Some think, if I wait it out long enough, maybe he’ll choose me. Maybe he will, but most likely he won’t. I have met very few men that don’t love the idea of being sexually able to sleep with whoever he wants.

I personally would not be okay with being in a relationship with a man that is sleeping with many, many other women. Or even one other woman. I’m not into that.

I’ve heard of someone who is a leader. And he has many women who follow his teachings. He also happens to sleep with quite a few of them…and by a few, I hypothesize 5-10 consistently. His condition is that they commit to him completely and he has certain conditions: that they be very slim, that they eat a certain diet, that they only have sex with him…etc. BUT, he does not have any of these conditions. He can do what he wants.

When I heard about this, I felt angry. I felt angry because it felt like yet another example where a man is dominating and getting what he wants while the women are controlled and get the scraps.

But…if these women are genuinely okay with this, then who am I to question them?

This is where consent feels like THE most important thing with anything related to sex (consent of an adult, in my opinion). If both sides have truly evaluated and are clear with each other about where they’re coming from and what they want, then that seems okay to me (even if I personally wouldn’t agree with the circumstances). And for the people who are in these circumstances, I would be curious. I’m curious about what they like about it. About why they chose to be a part of it. And if they’ve ever considered not being a part of it and would they feel comfortable leaving it.

As women, I hope we become more empowered in our sexuality. Where we do things for ourselves…for our own appreciation and enjoyment. Where everything related to sex is not focused on the Man’s pleasure only. When I hear about countries where they cut off a GIRL’s clitoris and then sew their vulva almost completely shut…I feel so sad. I can’t fathom any positive reason for that for the girls.

I hope that as women (and the men who love women), we are able to raise ourselves up to choose what we want for ourselves, to evaluate for ourselves what we want to be a part of and to leave when it no longer serves us. And that men support us in this.

Women are not possessions. Women need to remember that and teach men that in a gentle and compassionate, but solid way.

So we can all enjoy sex in the way that’s best for each of us. xo

*M

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