Time for a change…small steps…

“To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.” – Henri Bergson

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” – Anatole France

“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” -Marilyn Monroe

“Remembering you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.” -Steve Jobs

I think the last quote is the most profound of these for me, particularly because he was the one who died the most recently (actually, the first two I haven’t really heard of).

And also the reference of being naked…change is so vulnerable. I feel like I’ve been resisting change for so long.

Not to say that I haven’t been doing things in my life that have been challenging: moving to another country; attempting to be a professional actor; searching for a more solid, strong Self.

But, it seems that it has been more comfortable…less vulnerable.

If I’m honest with myself, it would have been more vulnerable if I’d chosen to stay home, and put in the effort to find a new job.

If I’d put in the time and effort to pursue goals. If I’d focused on dating and being open to whoever I meet. If I’d approached people and said, Hello.

Right now, I’m looking at what I’m going to do with my life from here forward. And it’s scary. I didn’t think I’d get to this point; with skills that I seem to have narrowly formed into one type of job: teacher. Single. And single for so long. With such a low self-esteem and worry about what others think about me. And with a pile of debt, to boot.

I just distracted myself on Facebook for 10 minutes (or more?)

It’s like, I want to change. I want to do something different. I want to have the courage to go back home and plan out my life…try something. Write a book? Take dance classes? Something!!!!

Something more than the rut I’ve dug myself into where I barely take care of my physical body, my mental state is okay (but prone to being fearful, especially when others are too) and emotionally…I think I’ve cut myself off a bit.

Someone said to me, Instead of feeling fearful, why not feel the pain? And it’s so true. Feel the pain of letting go of the past. Feel the pain of starting something new. Feel the pain of having to admit failure and experience the consequences of it.

And then get back up.

Soon. I can feel it. Soon. xo

*M

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