Single and searching…I think…

I’ve been single a long time (almost 10 years). Single being defined as not officially having a boyfriend. I’ve dated people, sure. But, nothing “serious”, generally because the guy that I’m dating is not interested in serious. With me, anyway.

And I can see various reasons for that, and I’ve been working on those things: like neediness, looking to them for my happiness, lack of self-confidence, lack of focus on what I want in my life etc.

Now, there is still plenty of room for growth in these areas, but at this point in my life, I feel like…I’ve made some headway and I’m ready for a serious, committed relationship. My ovaries are also like, Dude…if you’re going to have a kid, NOW is the time. You ain’t getting younger!!!

But, I think…I still have a bit of shyness and fear to work through. Because it feels vulnerable to get into a relationship…or to even go on a first date. Many people find first dates exhilarating and exciting because they’re getting to know someone new. I often find it a bit nerve-wracking. I’m not exactly sure why. I think because I know that they’re expecting me to have sex with them, and I am not sure I’ll even be into it. Or something like that.

In this job, there have been very few opportunities though. I mean, my hours are opposite of most people’s. I take care of someone else’s children and live with them, so I can’t invite a guy over for a movie or anything…etc.

At this point, I’m trying to look at things that I find scary or that I’m fearful about and look at it through the filter/perspective of, If we only have this one life and we don’t know how long we will live, is this something to even be worried about?

It helps. I find that I make decisions differently. Also, asking the question, What’s the worst that can happen?

So…next month, I think I’m going to be embarking on that journey…slowly but surely. Seize the day. No expectations. Be vulnerable. Live laugh love. 😉 xo



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