Fear and fearing in a foreign city…

So. If you’ve read past blogs, you will have read about how I’m a part of a personal growth/goals course.

And how I have some questions about certain things about it.

And about how my boss is prominent in the company.

I have a friend that has made some strong allegations about the company…obviously, bad allegations. Allegations, that were they true, many people would no longer support the company. Specifically about the leader of the company.

I’ve been struggling since she shared what she knows with me. Struggling to try to be eyes wide open and be a critical thinker.

And I’m sick again. Sore throat. Stuffed up. Gut issues. Diarrhea. And overall, very exhausted.

So, tonight when a woman, who is also a part of the group, asked me how I’m doing etc, I broke down a bit…meaning, I cried. There are various factors contributing: I miss my family and friends, specifically my grandparents. There is some stress with the staff in the house here. I don’t know what I want to do with my life and can’t seem to get myself in gear and pursue something. And, there’s this…questioning the very foundation of a program that I’ve supported for the last 8 years and 2 months.

It felt very vulnerable speaking to this woman too because she is very close with my boss. I feel scared to even be challenging things. That’s something for me to work on.

So, I’m going to go to do my boss and talk to him. I am not sure how he will respond. If he’ll be open and talk with me, or if he’ll be closed and tell me I’m making things up etc. I honestly don’t know.

I’m a strong woman. Even if I don’t always own that. And I’m okay within myself…I don’t need my boss’s approval. It would hurt a lot if he were to reject me. I would miss the babies a ton, and in fact, that’s where I become the most emotional…thinking about them.

But, I’d be okay. Maybe I’d go back home to my grandparents for a bit. Re-ground myself. And then I’d pick myself up and make a choice about my life.

What I’d like to believe is that my boss will hear me, will address the fears that I have and compassionately guide me forward. And also be truthful with me. Even if I don’t want to hear the truth.

We shall see. xo

*M

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