We are only human…

Being human. I guess I’ve never known anything different…as far as I know, I’ve only ever been a human being in this body.

And, it can be challenging: physically, emotionally, mentally.

Right now, physically, my throat is hurting again, I’m stuffed up and my gut is having some challenges (I don’t feel very hungry at all).

Emotionally, I think that I feel okay. I miss my family. I miss having a purpose and passion in life, even if it’s something small (like when I was motivated with my singing!)

Mentally, I think I could challenge myself a lot more. One of the things working with babies is that they say the adults mental level goes down. I believe it.

And yet, under it all, I can’t seem to find the motivation to be consistent in doing these things! I fall back on my old “feel good” momentarily of shopping (since I’ve been here, I’ve become obsessed with Levis jeans and have bought…about 10 pairs. Yes. I know. :-O)

To be human also has the potential to strive for greatness. I just watched a video on FB of a runner in the 1972 Olympics. When he started the run, he was like 9 metres behind everybody. And then…slowly, but surely…bit by bit…HE WON. It was amazing to watch. The strength, determination and sheer willpower.

Hypothetically, we all have this potential. Now, some of us have different challenges than others, but even then…there are examples of people who were much more challenged (born without certain limbs…born with various diseases etc) and they overcome them and work hard to live their lives, despite the adversity.

So, I think…what’s up with me? I have experienced adversity in my life, but for some reason…I can’t seem to step up. Seem to take the next step.

Like with my blog yesterday, talking about those people who are born with the golden spoon in their mouth, it seems like they have so many opportunities, not having to worry about money. But even those people don’t always take advantage of their privilege to follow their passion in life. Some spend all of their time partying, spending lots of money and general debauchery. Is that happiness though?

My biggest challenge and fear right now is, What am I going to do with my life as of next year? I’ll have finished where I am now. And I don’t want to go back to the same grind I was doing before this. So, what to do?

It doesn’t help when my grandma is telling me about how expensive it is to live where I was living before. I definitely am very aware of this. I’m open to options though. It may end up that I have to get a roommate. Or two. <sigh> I really, really don’t want to do that.

I have this view of my future, and whether it’s based in reality, I’m not sure…but it feels a bit…sad. Like, things that most people look forward to…having a partner, having a child, having a great job that they love…I am scared that I’ll never have those things.

So, with all of these courses that I’ve taken and all of the money I’ve spent…what am I going to do to apply it? Time to get on that and not let my life drift by.

Carpe diem, they say. Small steps. Bit by bit, get back into the saddle of loving my life and myself. xo

*M

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