Today was a good’er. It was an uncomfortable as well, but it was a good one.
Today we did an exercise, which was very interesting, and ended up leading to the person who led it digging right in…right through the cold, iced-over protector I have on my heart.
GEMS: Basically, what it came down to is…first, he knows me a bit, so that helped. He pointed out that if I want to have friendships and be close to people, then I need to learn how to create caring…I need to connect with the caring that I feel for other people, and transpose it to myself as well. Then I’ll naturally attract people, in a non-needy way.
Because, the truth is, being so far away from all of my family and friends, who love me, with the belief that nobody loves me here…it’s isolating and depressing.
The leader challenged me: really? Nobody cares about me here? Nobody loves me? Perhaps I have a narrow definition of love. I genuinely feel like it though. I feel like my boss couldn’t care less about me. That his parents also just see me as a tool to care for the babies.
But, in that belief system, I then start creating a way to protect myself against all of this supposed apathy that I feel from people here. And then the cycle perpetuates. Because, the truth is, people do care. In their own way. And I’ve probably pushed people away subconsciously with this belief system.
So now…from today forward, I will be practicing my caring. Genuine caring for myself and others. It’s about practicing the feeling.
For me, that would be practicing the feeling of caring that I have for my grandparents.
The other thing that I learned today is, someone was speaking about how when his grandma died, he wasn’t sad. He felt okay because he felt like she was always in his heart. Like he could feel her with him always, even though it wasn’t in flesh and bone form.
I thought that was beautiful because one of the things that scares me most is my grandparents dying. I think it’s another great practice!
DUDS: Same same…repeating the same things in parts of the curriculum…keep saying the same thing over and over, day after day. Also, a bunch of fuss made over the woman teaching the course (that was yesterday, for Mother’s Day…they got her a cake). But, besides feeling very exhausted, today was a good day!
On to Day 6…xo