Just another lonely dayyyy…heyyyy…

I think one of my first posts had this title. Full circle!

It’s interesting…what does lonely even mean? Does it mean “being alone”? Because, for me, I’m okay with being alone. I eat all of my meals alone. I spend a lot of time in my bedroom alone. But there are people around me constantly.

When I lived alone, I think it was different. I worked, but when I came home, it was just me. So, if I wanted any sort of human connection, I had to go out.

PAUSE.

I started this like 4 hours ago. Thinking that I would continue my post about loneliness. I feel lonely here where I am, away from home. Now, I may still feel lonely there when I go back to live…I did before I left.

But, the thing that came up in these last 4 hours was…I have a friend. She was also a part of the organization that I’m a part of. It’s a personal growth group and courses. In my experience, the courses are great…if you put in the work. Admittedly, I have not put in the work enough and still relatively feel similar in some ways as to when I started this journey. But also not.

The thing that got me tonight is this friend was questioning the person who started this organization. She was questioning some of the things and practices that he does in his position of power. And it struck me. Because I had actually come across an article online about this. And I had an experience related to what she’s talking about.

But, I don’t want to believe it. I want to believe that there is good in the world. That this organization that I’ve been a part of for the last 7.5 years is actually looking to grow humanity. That it wants to foster compassion in and for ourselves and for others.

Because the claims that are being made are so sad. But, it’s like a puzzle…when you start hearing things, some pieces fall together. And things that you didn’t want to see or acknowledge, are fitting together.

I’m committed to being open-minded about this, but I will also try not to block the information that I hear and see. I think there are definite benefits to many of these courses. But, I also believe that they’re very expensive (like many courses that are benefiting off of people who want more).

It’s in these moments that I feel despair. I feel…what is our world coming to? What is going ON? Like that moment in the Truman Show where he discovers that EVERYTHING was a lie. I can only imagine what that feels like.

Now with You Know Who as the head of the most powerful country in the world and the negativity (and that’s a euphemism) that he is distilling. Then, on top of that, a group of people that I’ve paid a LOT of money to over the last 8 years…to find out that the leaders aren’t who they say they are. And to top it off, my boss is one of those leaders, but I’m not sure how involved…

It literally sounds like I’m a conspiracy theorist. Paranoid.

So, instead of going that route, I’ll collect some data. See if it’s right for me to be supporting this organization.

Personally, as far as I can tell, I am fine. The allegations have not touched me in the same way that it has touched (literally) other women. Physically anyway. Psychologically…I’m not sure. It’s very subtle. Hm.

Will update throughout the course. We’ll see how it goes! xo

*M

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