What I want to be when I grow up: first steps toward being Me…

To be clear, I’m a fully-grown adult. I’m not 18 years old, pondering what I’d like to be when I grow up and what my options are, full of optimism and inspiration.

Actually, I’m in my 30s and have felt stuck for about 8 years. Stuck in that I feel like I don’t know what my passion in life is and thereby I’ve been drifting along.

But, just now, I was thinking…and if there’s no negativity or self-doubt or limits put on what I’d love to do in my life, here it is:

I want to be a writer, actor, and singer; a performer that helps people to feel and to open a part of themselves that they had hidden deep down inside. I want to help myself and others have compassion and empathy for each other. I want to connect and help others to connect, even if it’s just for that one moment reading my book, or watching me perform.

I want to be a presenter and inspirational speaker. Inspirations are: Oprah, the grande dame of presenters and people like Elizabeth Gilbert and Glennon Doyle Melton, who express who they are even through the fear.

In all of this being vulnerable and expressing me as I truly am.

I had a realization talking to my bestest and oldest (in terms of longest) friend on the phone today. We were talking about how I seem to have a hard time connecting with other people, on a deeply personal and intimate level. I guard myself and don’t allow myself to be vulnerable. In fact, we concurred that it doesn’t seem like I know how to deeply connect with people.

In this moment thinking about it, I thought…I don’t think my parents really do either, with friends. (My mom reads this, so she may disagree). But my perception of it, looking at my parents, then looking at me and my sisters…we seem to let very few people in. It seems like we allow our partners and perhaps our family members, to an extent, but in general…I don’t see any of us having deep relationships with friends.

Coming to this conclusion talking to one of the closest people to me in my life, even though we only seem to talk about 3-4 times per year, it hit home. And now, thinking about it alone, it hit even harder. This realization. Because, one of the most important thing to me in life, if not THE most important: connection. And the fact that I don’t even know how to connect really saddens me. It seems a bit backwards, if you think about it. The thing that I want most in life is the thing that I don’t know how to get.

I think that’s why I am drawn to the things that I’m drawn to: writing, singing, acting, presenting, inspiring…EXPRESSION. I want to connect with people, as a human being, while also connecting with myself.

Next step: how to transform these ideals that feel so unattainable into real-life.

I think my first focus will be on practicing connection. I’m going to figure out how that looks and how to do that. xo

*M

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