What is truth and is anything ever impartial…

I think the answer is no. Every single thing on this Earth is through the lens of someone (and by lens, I mean eyes, which are housed in the same body as each person’s brain). We all have our own bias in which we experience the world, because of our own previous life experiences.

It’s interesting to think about. I remember, at one point, I think I was surprised that…you know…I can’t even remember…but, I remember it being something to do with being surprised that someone thought differently than I did. It was weird. Now, it seems so obvious that I can’t even remember specifics.

I mean, I think we all have those moments about how we think we are RIGHT. Our beliefs about something are RIGHT and whatever is going on for them is not.

I was thinking about that in relation to my last few posts re: my boss and his mother. And I had said that I’m looking to grow compassion for them. I feel like I have. I’ve been thinking about it. It doesn’t mean I agree with it, and I still feel like the Grandma thwarts us doing a good job (for example, tonight, apparently during bedtime, while Younger Twin was still trying to fall asleep, she went into the bedroom, disrupting him falling asleep and then tried to take him from the nanny that was holding him. Which he DID not want…he was clinging to the nanny, but the grandma was insisting. <sigh> She says that everything is for them, but sometimes I don’t think she is aware of how it’s mostly about her.) But, I imagine that she is feeling…I don’t know. She wants to be involved, but only to order people around. She hasn’t developed the relationship with the kiddles for them to necessarily want her to cuddle them to sleep. And while both of them, especially Younger Twin, is highly attached to their dad, when it comes time to eat or go to sleep, it is the worst when he’s around because they refuse to eat or sleep when he’s around. Or get their diaper changed. Well, Younger Twin anyway. I don’t even know how to help that dynamic.

Anyway, compassion. Because, I was thinking about it…sometimes I have this idea or perception of something and I find out that I wasn’t entirely accurate in what I thought. Sometimes it really surprises me!

Like, I’m in a Women’s Group. And we have been growing and growing, but now we are having a hard time finding a time to all meet via Skype (we are in various time zones and people have various jobs etc). We did a Doodle poll re: when people had time available and pretty much everyone but me could make this one time. So, I felt sad because I assumed that I wouldn’t be a part of it anymore. And a part of me was upset, because we had a time before but we all changed it because one woman couldn’t make that time. Then, after we’d changed the time, she sporadically showed up to the new time that we made for her.

Then, one of the women in the group messaged me saying, “Can we make a time to talk?” I got a sinking feeling and immediately I perceived that she was going to say that they don’t want me in their group. Right before that, I had shared that I didn’t feel like our group was very committed and that I then chose to say, Screw it too. I feared that they were like, We don’t want this woman in our group. A little flash of high school. I responded back to her message saying, “Wow, that sounds mysterious. What’s up?”. I started feeling uncomfortable and unwanted and a whole plethora of stuff.

Then, I paused and thought, How do I feel about what I said? I breathed. And I evaluated. I realized, I’m okay with what I said. And I felt calm.

What an important thing for myself…to start evaluating for MYSELF about MYSELF. Not so focused on what others think about me, but what do I think about ME?!

Side note: I think she sensed my worry, because she simply said, “We want you!!!” And that felt good too.

All to say: I think that when we believe something…it’s good to stop and try it on from different angles. Challenge ourselves and let others challenge us. I feel like it makes a richer perception of something.

But, most importantly, really look at yourself…I want to look at myself and ask, Is this who I want to be? Is this something that your <first name> <last name> would do? And, if I feel okay about it, then breathe. And know for ourselves that we are okay. We believe in ourselves. And not in some defiant way, but in a truly upholding ourselves, calm way.

That is how I’m shifting slowly with this job. Looking at the choices I’m making and seeing how I feel about them. And being aware of when I don’t quite feel good about things that I do…is it because I don’t want to be that kind of person? Or is it because I’m worried about what other people will think of me? Good to question. xo

*M

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