About being two-faced and having expectations…

Getting to know somebody can be very interesting. When you first meet someone, you get this first impression of them. And with first impressions, it’s interesting because you think that most people show their best when you first meet them and then the longer that you spend getting to know them, the more the shit comes out.

That is what it feels like with my boss and I. When I first met him, there were SO MANY people who were constantly saying how amazing he is and what a privilege it would be to work for him and how lucky I am…blah blah blah.

And to be fair, in the beginning, it was great. We’d text each other about the baby process. He’d share some things with me. When I’d see him in the summers, or when he came to my city, we went out to eat. I had a fun time with him and his friends in NYC one summer. It seemed so great!!!

But, as I’m sure we’ve all experienced at one time or another, what you see with people, especially when you don’t live with them and what it’s like when you see them in the day-to-day nitty-gritty…it’s very different.

And perhaps that’s where my expectations come in…I had this experience of him before and certain expectations formed because of that. It has been almost 16 months now, so I’ve slowly been changing those expectations, but every now and then, I still find it quite hard.

The program that we are a part of has a focus on being compassionate, trying on other people and what an experience might be like for them and looking at how we have a part in everything.

I think these concepts are challenging for most people to practice consistently, and I’m certainly one of them. My boss has been a part of this organization for many, many years.

So, yes, I had this assumption, because of how people speak about him, because of how I experienced him before I started this job and because of what someone that has his rank in the company is often expected to be like.

But, he is still a human being. With challenges and reactions and weaknesses. Just like every single human being on this planet.

There was a situation today where…yesterday we had made plans with a woman that we both know to bring the kiddles over to her house to play (it’s Spring Break). This morning, he messaged asking me to cancel because he was feeling sick again.

BUT THEN, an hour later, when I ask if we can go for a walk, he says that we are actually going out to the play area in this mall that’s fairly close by. And he is coming. So, in my mind, I thought…clearly he’s not THAT sick. It seems to me that he LIED…that we could have gone to this woman’s house but that he didn’t feel like it, but instead of saying that, he lied. Or rather, made the excuse about being sick, but really, he didn’t want to go.

So, in all, this has been such a good life lesson for me…to start working through this pedestal that I put certain people on and how I let myself feel intimidated…especially when they’re rich, attractive, held in high regard by other people, a man and someone who is quite use to being “right” and getting their way. It’s a big challenge. I just wrote him an email about a situation that happened this morning and I noticed myself feeling nervous and scared about his response or that I even asked about it.

Pardon my French but…

That’s total bullshit. Why should I be scared? I know that he and his family expect employees to be, “Yes sir; Yes ma’am”, but fuck that crap. That’s not who I am. I will try to communicate about things in the most respectful way and acknowledge my part in things, but people need to be called out. Their employees literally NEED this job and don’t want to be fired, so they do everything with that fear hanging over them, but thankfully for me, that’s not how my life is. I would be totally fine if I left tomorrow. Emotionally, there would be quite a few challenges, but financially etc, I’d be fine. I have very loving grandparents and parents and I’d be fine. I’m so very grateful for that! In fact, I should call my grandparents…but now I’m afraid to because it’s kind of late here and my voice may carry into the echoey house.

It’s a work in progress.

It’s all about evaluating things for ourselves and how we feel about it and letting go of our expectations, fears and feelings of intimidation from other people. Keep on keepin’ on, right? xo

*M

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