Will it ever get easier…

Man. You’d think that after 10 years, it would be easier. But, I guess it’s not every day that you have your ex-boyfriend’s life splashed across the pages of People magazine.

10 years ago, I had a boyfriend that I felt like I loved. It was the first time that I had ever been “in love” as far as I knew. It felt like love, anyway. We dated for 8 months and it was a whirlwind. It was the first time that he’d ever had a “girlfriend” officially. Apparently before me, he’d dated women for a few months tops, and it was never “official”.

If you were to ask me, Why him? What was it about him? We seemed to click. We were both into acting and singing. We both valued family. We were both fairly good-looking, but not too good-looking and not ugly. We both had our insecurities, albeit he managed his better than I did.

One of the biggest differences with us was that he was very focused on his work. That was his main thing. He was determined to be successful. And I admired him greatly for that. However, I didn’t feel that kind of focus and passion for anything the way that he did. And, to be fair, it really, really paid off for him (as you can imagine, since People magazine is interested in talking about his life).

However, every time I see or read about how successful he is, and moreso, how in love he is with his current partner (now fiancee), it still hurts. I think it hurts more because my life has been such a failure these last 10 years since we were together. #1, the time seemed to pass so quickly. #2, I have not accomplished anything of note in this past decade. #3, I have been single. Pretty much the whole time. I dated a few people, but nobody that I’d call a “boyfriend”. It’s like we traded places. Before me, he’d never really had a girlfriend, and then after me, he did his usual pattern, but then 3 years after we broke up, he met his “one true love”.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for him. I am happy that he found somebody that fit his life so well, because at the time, I wasn’t willing to conform myself to his dream. At the time, I had my own dream that I was pursuing. And there are certain values that we don’t share.

But, it still aches a bit. Being a product of a society so entrenched in celebrity culture, when I see him and his fiancee and how in love they are and how successful they are and how they wrote a book about their lives and how…etc. It’s like a giant spotlight on how shitty my life is.

Now, I’m doing the comparing here, so that’s my fail really. But, it seems like after we broke up, on a graph of our lives, my life went downhill, and his life went uphill.

If I had also been successful in my life, met a partner that I want to create a family with etc, I think I’d feel differently. But, alas…nope.

I think…it’s more that I don’t even know exactly how to change it. I feel stuck. I make up stories about how cool it’d feel to have the life that his partner is having. But then, I come back to reality and remind myself of the other parts of their life that I wouldn’t likely want. But, who knows?

It seems like they’re really living life to the fullest and THAT is what I feel the saddest about. I feel like I’ve “wasted” the last 10 years of my life. I imagine what it would be like to travel the world with a partner that I love very much, who I’m interconnected with and working towards an awesome life together, both professionally and personally. Where I don’t struggle with huge debt. Where I experience so many cool and different things. That is what I’d want. And I don’t know how to create that for myself.

As far as we know, we have this one life to live and…I’m not really living it. Not fully. So, that’s sad.

I think that’s why I feel upset whenever I come across stories about them. It doesn’t really have anything to do with them and their lavish lifestyle. It has to do with me and my sad, current existence.

And I think that’s the stepping stone to start at…how can I change my life for the better? xo

*M

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