Whoa! WHOA! I almost forgot…

It’s late. And I was sitting here, thinking, OKay…I should go and brush my teeth and then get ready for bed and go to sleep and hope/pray to the throat Gods, that I may be able to sleep tonight.

And then I remembered, HEY WAIT! I haven’t done my blog yet tonight!!! Whoa. I almost went to bed without doing it.

My phone calendar reminder just went off, so I would’ve noticed sooner or later.

Anyway, what is distracting me? Life. Good ol’, tough and never-know-what-you’re-gonna-get-LIFE.

I’m trying to figure out what to do from here. There are a few decisions, and big ones, that I need to make in the next while and it will be a turning point in my life. I’ve made quite a few decisions in the last few years especially that have been big FAILURES.

The biggest one is around Money. I make decisions in day-to-day life where I really don’t need to be spending money. But, I do…because I want a certain thing. Because I think if I buy it, I’ll feel a certain way (latest thing right now=cashew milk…it’s so GOOD!) And I’ve made a lot of decisions like that…letting people convince me into doing things and spending money that I don’t have, when the smarter decision would be to just not spend it. DON’T SPEND IT.

This is the #1 thing for me to work on. The #2 thing is, when you pay for something, USE IT. Whether it be exercise classes, personal growth classes and workshops, that cool waterbottle that was bought even though the old one was fine (if not a bit dented)…

It’s like the old school phrase, If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. In my grandparents time, they spent much more frugally. They would use things until they absolutely couldn’t anymore. In fact, my grandparents’ wardrobe, they generally wear the same like 5 shirts and pants all of that time. They don’t need fancy.

It feels like it allll goes back to entitlement. Like, I think that my life should be a certain way, but I haven’t figured out how to get it that way, so instead I pretend it’s that way…in terms of money anyway.

Consistency. Compassion. Hard work. These are things that I aspire to, but I’m not quite there yet. I feel like I’m working hard, and then I don’t. I feel like I’m learning compassion for people, then I feel hurt by them, and I feel like rejecting them. I feel like I’ve made a plan for myself and I’m sticking to it! (and then I don’t).

These are all things that I will focus on in the next while, regardless of where I may end up.

I’ve been sick the last week and my boss is annoyed by that. For me, I feel like I’m trying my best. I’m not use to being sick all of the time, so constantly being sick here has been a real challenge. It seems like nobody understands that here. Because they’re from here.

Maybe I’ll have to make a choice to leave here because my health is more important. It’s true enough. Since being here on and off for the last year, I’ve felt myself age…my body get weaker and lower immunity, my digestion become erratic…and my general feeling about myself is…I feel stale. Stagnant. I feel like my job is unappreciated and un-supported, but there are still expectations of me. And I’m constantly being watched…the boss and his mother…both very critical people.

I still think…of the original 5 of us who started together, December, 2015…the only who is left, is me.

The first person to go, went back to Italy, because of a few reasons (but not the boss’s choice, per se). The one man in the group, he and the boss got along well, plus the boss thought of himself as a type of mentor for this guy, so he liked that. The boss was very forgiving of any mistakes made by him.

The second person to go…well, actually…this was the first person to go…was someone who made my life very hard in this position. And she did it very covertly. Everybody thought I was the big problem, until things she was doing came out and the boss angrily and reactively fired her.

The third person to go…here I’m confused if it was the third or the fourth…I think it was the third…this woman had worked with the family for years and years, with the other grandchildren. She worked herself to the bone, foregoing sleep etc. By the time she left, she was so worn out. She ended up leaving days earlier.

The fourth person was lovely. She and I got along quite well, overall, even though for 3 months, we had to share a small bedroom, which was challenging. She worked long hours as well during the day, but her departure was also dramatic.

The grandma reacts and snaps at the people who work for her quite often. When she’s mad, she’ll blame it on everyone else. She would do this with the fourth person (the main nanny) and one day, it was too much. Apparently she’d chosen the “wrong” blankets and the grandma threw the blankets on the floor and said, “Not these! Get the other ones.”

That was enough. She went home that night (where she lived with her aunt) and her aunt made her tell her what happened. So, the story came out. The link here is that the aunt happened (happens) to be the right hand woman of the grandpa at work. So, she got very angry that the grandma would treat her niece like this. And she quit. That day, I got a phone call asking if I could work the rest of the day because this fourth person was going to leave right away. It was another dramatic exit. And a sad day at that.

So, I’m the fifth person. And it’s been a roller coaster ride for me working here. I’ve never had so much drama in the workplace in my life. It seemed to have calmed down a bit, but there are rumblings again now.

Honestly, I think it’s because the way the service industry works here is: you hire someone to work for you, and they do what you want, how you want it and when I say Jump, you say How high? It’s a very dominant-submissive interaction. In fact, the people who work here are all generally frightened of the grandma. My interactions up until now have not been that rigid.

I’m going to try something new though…I’m going to try and interact with the same detached, deference that the other girls do. Focus on my job itself and when I’m not doing that, I’ll be in my room or out of the house. My #1 focus outside of job hours, is my health. How can I best take care of me? Because I’ll tell you, nobody else in this house gives a flying fuck about me, unless it’s in relation to if I’m well enough to do my job. As I’ve discovered today, the tolerance for a worker being sick is very low.

The other part…my job is always hanging in the balance. It’s like, if I do something wrong, there’s that chance the boss is going to just say, Ok leave. Which is tough because I changed my whole life to come and do this job. And I know he knows that, so he wouldn’t just say Leave for a really small thing, but I feel like he’s waiting. Because, from what I’ve seen, he doesn’t take much responsibility for how his other workers have left. That’s sad to me because in the personal growth company we are a part of, he is known for his compassion and caring. I’ve experienced it. But I’ve also experienced his temper and lack of care. His turning a blind eye to things his mom does.

I feel like this job is one of those that very subtly and slowly is eroding you as a human being. You have to be quite strong in yourself. That’s another opportunity for me to work on that.

So, onwards and upwards!! From this babbling like a river post, I will take the next small step forward. I Can Do It! xo

*M

P.S. The picture feels like me and life right now…inextricably intertwined and also clashing. I’m getting quite a few challenges, big and small flung at me. Time to rise up to meet them! xo

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