Today was a tough and exhausting day. I am hitting up against so many things.
I did an exercise where it was pointed out that I’m very judgemental…of others, but mainly of myself. Which I already knew, but it was highlighted within the exercise. It is very painful. I use judging myself and others as a distraction pattern to avoid feeling pain. It’s quite destructive.
Also, I was speaking to a female friend about something and I said something, which she interpreted a certain way and got upset. Now, this isn’t the first time, so…I am realizing that I need to be more mindful. Sometimes I say things and phrase it in a way that is taken so negatively, I suppose. My intention was not that. She wouldn’t be specific about her upset, but said that she was upset. I don’t want other to feel upset by my actions. Hopefully tomorrow she will be specific.
The other part is punishing. Along with the judging, sometimes I punish myself and others in my mind, instead of thinking, Well…we are all human. How can I learn from this experience of my humanness and my failure? Without the guilt. Without the judgment and making myself feel bad.
This has been a painful training. There is one day left tomorrow. I hope that I…I WILL make a change. I will make more than one change. I will make many changes and work hard to evolve my issues. Because it’s affecting many aspects of my life: my relationship with my family, my friend and my job. Step it up and work it! Feel the pain. Embrace my humanness. Be compassionate. xo