Today was…I don’t know if it’s just the lack of sleep adding up or…I felt more sensitive today. Grumpier…annoyed more.
I was noticing my relationships with women and with men. With men, I like to get attention. A woman that I am friends with (I find that the word “friend” is a very loose term for women, but for men, when they call someone a friend, it has more weight to it)…a woman that I am friends with has been flirting, talking to and hanging out with an older, married man. In my opinion, he has a total crush on her. He made a comment today that reflected that and she was right next to me, so I repeated it to her. She said that she wished I hadn’t told her, but the thing is…DUDE. Just because you try to hide your head in the sand, doesn’t mean it’s not happening. She *knows* it’s happening but wants to pretend it’s not. At first I felt a bit bad that I had passed along what he said, but then I thought, I think it’s good that she faces the truth and that she then make an informed, ethical decision about how she interacts with him. I think many of us women like to delude ourselves that when men make an extra effort to hang out with us…that it’s just for friendship. In fact, in our course right now it is being spelled out VERY CLEARLY that they always want sex. But, us women like to have our cake and eat it too…we want to be friends with men and the perks of that, but without having the sex necessarily.
Truthfully, I am also jealous. She is a beautiful woman (and one of those people that doesn’t particularly believe it, even though she very obviously is). And I find that men are often attracted to her. Men are often NOT attracted to me, and I make it mean something about me.
I think it’s because I am hung up on the fact that I don’t really get male attention anymore and that it means I am worth less. Not worthless, but worth less than someone who is beautiful, smart, worldly etc. Oh, how I fall into the trappings of society’s valuing of worth.
There was also another friend who has been super reactive and angry throughout the course. Admittedly, I have a hard time when I experience people doing that and I want to comfort them. I have a really hard time with her because my knee-jerk reaction is to be happier the more grumpier she is. Not the best thing to do. Ideally, I’d let her be and not react.
I think what’s the most uncomfortable is that I’m seeing so many parts about myself glaringly not what I want to do or be.
I really hope that I am growing and changing for the better in this course, but only time will tell, I suppose.
2 more days. xo