Today was…another good one, but painful. That seems to be my theme for this intensive. Feeling the pain, instead of trying to cover it with a bunch of BS story about how I have low self-esteem and I’m insecure. Feel the pain of my errors and move along, leave the story behind.
Part of what was revealed today is that I’m a Pollyanna. I have this belief that I should be a certain way in order to be likeable. When I googled it, it said that a Pollyanna is someone who is excessively cheerful. Oy. I think that I feel kind of shitty sometimes and I cover it. The thing is, my perception is that people don’t want to be around people who aren’t happy. Like, if I’m feeling a bit down or going through a rough time, I find that people stay away from me even more.
But is that BS? Is it that I’m filtering to see that? I’m not even sure anymore. It’s a pretty crazy thing us humans do…we have a certain belief and then it’s like we put in these filters in our brains to only see that and thereby keep PROVING that belief point.
Maybe…maybe I am lovable and likeable by more people than just my grandma, grandpa, mom and dad!!!! It sounds like a silly thing to say, but seriously…those are the only people who keep in contact with me even vaguely regularly. I feel sad when I think about that. It’s like I need to learn how to make friends again. I feel like the growth that I’m experiencing right now will help with that. Be open to change and be okay with discomfort and pain.
We’ll see how Day 4 goes! xo