Baby, I’m addicted…

To distracting myself and not feeling vulnerable.

I bought 9 mini cupcakes yesterday, but didn’t eat any. So today, I’m making up for it before they go completely stale.

Then, I was frustrated about something and felt tired, so decided to have a nap…2 hours later…(although, the nap was very restless, as there was a lot of noise just outside my door).

Then, when I was about to blog, I was looking up something on sugar addiction, and one of the articles happened to be in the Daily Mail. FAIL. There is so much celebrity gossip on there. I ended up spending the next half hour looking at pictures and reading about all of these celebrities privileged and glamorous lives.

All I get from looking at those things is 1) a distraction; 2) to realize that their lives are so much more interesting and varied than the average Joe/Joe-ess; 3) A way to renew a sense of shitty-ness about myself and my life.

So, why look at it? I think the distraction part is strong. Related to why we watch movies, in a way. For those moments looking at someone else’s life, you get to forget about yours.

Recently I binge-watched Season 6 of Downton Abbey on Netflix. And I felt like I got lost in their (pretend) lives. It was such an interesting storyline and I found myself imagining what it would have been like to live rich in the 1920s in England.

Living rich, in general, would be interesting. One of the “articles” that popped up was about the Delevignes (Cara and Poppy) partying one night. It talked about how they’re both models, then Cara became an actor and she’s into music too. They grew up around British royalty and celebrities. For me, I feel like, they’ve had these opportunities handed to them. As any human being, I’m sure they’ve experienced strife in their lives, but…they’ve probably never had to worry about money…about not having enough. They’ve probably always been supported to do whatever they want. And…this is a point that I think is so interesting and annoying…so many people that come from wealthy families like that, whether it be the royals or whatever, happen to be conventionally attractive. For that family, they’re models. How does that happen? Is it because attractive people end up procreating with each other? Maybe.

Now, I know that just because someone is rich and attractive does not mean that they will have a better life. In fact, there are many stories of it being harder in some ways. But…I can’t seem to shake that it *is* easier. It seems like so many more doors are opened and opportunities.

Now, seeing as I’m neither rich nor conventionally beautiful, perhaps it’s easy for me to just say that never having had the experience. Jealousy is a self-defeating feeling. So, it’d be good for me to look at what I get out of defeating myself. Because, at the end of the day, I am who I am…work with what I’ve got.

And, what I’ve got isn’t so bad. Besides the fact of feeling like I’ve wasted the last 10 years of my life…

Here are a few things that I am grateful for in my life:

  1. My grandparents. They have supported me and given me unconditional love my whole life and without them, I don’t know where I’d be right now. I love them forever.
  2. Physically, I love being pretty tall. Not model tall, but not short. I like the height.
  3. I love that I speak more than one language…I’d love to learn even more.
  4. I’m thankful for my fairly fast metabolism and naturally slim body. Societally, and conventionally, I’ve never had to deal with the shaming that many people get from being called “overweight”. (Don’t get me wrong…I have many insecurities and challenges and effects of my bad eating habits, but getting obese is not one of them).
  5. Last, but not least, I’m grateful for my voice and how good I feel when I sing. (While not being good on a standard of the world, in my own shower and to myself, I love how I feel.)

It’s in these moments where I have a hard time finding what I love about myself and my worth in this world…it’s great to reflect on the good parts. And then to look at how I can love myself more. What can I do to support myself and be the person that I want to be within the confines of my genetics and current age etc.

Basically, Work what you got! xo

*M

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