I just finished binge watching Season 6 of Downton Abbey (spoiler alert!)
I love happy endings!!! Watching that show, I got immersed in their troubles and successes and I love the overall community and closeness that they have. I love the happy endings with the main characters. I love the feeling I get while watching the show.
Perhaps it’s a fantasy. I realized that. Maybe it’s because Disney was very popular as I was growing up, but…I love that feeling.
After I finished watching the show, I was puttering around on Facebook and read an acquaintance’s happy birthday tribute to her partner. I thought, Yes!!! That’s what I want! That’s beautiful! That’s what I want! I want to share that with someone…where we appreciate each other and love each other and grow together.
I’ve never experienced it before. Not really. I’ve generally been alone for most of my life.
Part of me thinks that perhaps I’m so use to it that it is scary for me to try something otherwise. Maybe.
One thing I did learn from Downton Abbey (or rather, was further confirmed) was that making your own life how you want it is #1 and then a compatible person will come along. Because I’ll be open to it happening. But, I’ll also be okay with it not happening.
I’ve had the smallest glimpses of it. I think the more compassion and empathy that I develop toward all people, the more I’ll have the capacity to create great friendships.
There is a man that I’ve been around for the last…1.5 years…more specifically, we’ve had a few interactions that have shook me up. I had this fantasy idea about how our lives could be together. I’ve realized that is exactly what it is: fantasy. Complete and utter fantasy based in no shred of reality. A small part of me has felt hurt and hated him for it. That he’s not interested in what I want for us. But, I’ve realized that my fantasy is based on having it, but it hasn’t been earned. At all. I haven’t earned that fantasy that I might have wanted with him. Then I blame it on not being successful, not being beautiful enough, on being too old, on being too insecure. While those factors may contribute…the bottom line is…I haven’t earned it. I want someone to like me “just as I am”, but would I like me, “just as I am”?
No. I don’t. That’s where the cycle starts and ends.
So, it’s time to start liking myself. To start taking the little steps towards liking myself. To let go of having friendships or relationships with certain people. Let them happen naturally.
And maybe…maybe, I’ll create my own happy beginning! xo