So fresh and so clean clean…

It never ceases to amaze me how rejuvenated I feel after a shower. The water pouring down on me feels like it’s washing away the Blahs of the day.

I wonder about myself. I see all of these people around me pursuing their dreams. I was looking at this one acquaintance on Instagram yesterday (somebody tagged her and so I looked…I compulsively like to look at pictures). Now, I realize that what we see is usually someone’s highlight reel, but…it’s hard not to be jealous. From my point of view, she is a woman that grew up beautiful (typical blond hair, blue eyes) and privileged (I’m pretty sure her family didn’t lack money). Popular in high school and continued to be popular throughout her life. I don’t know how it evolved, but she was involved in music for quite a long time and then got into voiceover as well. So, while pursuing her love of singing/performing etc, she also makes very good money doing cartoon voices. It seems she has lead a very interesting life, with a lot of close friends and many adventures. Then, she got a boyfriend that happens to be a pilot, who on one of their first dates (maybe even the first date), said “Pack your bags, let’s go to Hawaii”. So, now with their relationship, they go traveling all around the world together. Both of them seem to have lived quite cushy lives before and continue to now (parents with beachfront homes on islands).

It’s people like that and who live lives like that…I discourage myself. I think, what has my life been? There are people living these glorious, amazing lives and then here is me…getting snot and drool and food caked on me, whilst in my spare time I watch Netflix and do…nothing. And I can’t seem to motivate myself past getting up to eat a second donut. In my mind, I have high aspirations and think, Ok…THIS time I’ll do something different. And then I don’t.

Perhaps I’m meant to live a life where I don’t aspire to anything. Sometimes I say things like that to scare myself into action, but now I’m saying it because…it seems I’m not changing.

Maybe I’m meant to live a life with few close friends; a job long term (sub teaching) that doesn’t pay that well and that I don’t really like; where I spend thousands of dollars on personal growth courses and…grow very little; where I am single and don’t experience being in a partnership in life, nevermind having my own children; where I eat food that doesn’t necessarily nourish my body well and also due to no exercise…a body that deteriorates; where I have no goals…nothing that I aspire to and go for and achieve; it feels…sad.

I feel like I need an intervention with myself. Where I send myself off to some sugar-addiction retreat and I get off the sugar…detox it out. Get my body healthy. Where I’m doing yoga and some type of exercise every single day. Where I have set times each day that I sit down and think about what I want in my life and write it out and then make a solid plan of how I’m going to achieve it. Instead of spending thousands and thousands of dollars on personal growth, perhaps kickstart my life with a month of this retreat…somewhere warm and beautiful, where I can take care of myself and have help taking care of myself (with the structure and the food made for me).

What a wonderful idea! I tried looking up sugar detox retreats but didn’t find anything. I also can’t wait to get laser eye surgery again. I really hate having glasses. I feel…so…deteriorated, in so many ways. May I start to help myself!!!!!! And stop eating the donuts! xo



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