But the heart wants what it wants…

And sometimes it wants things that are not attainable.

My grandma and I were texting today. She was asking about my day and I said it was a really long one and that I’m tired. Which lead her to say, How are you ever going to find a boyfriend if you’re busy all day?


She just can’t help herself. We’ve had various conversations where I have asked her to not bother me about the fact that I’m single (and have been for almost 10 years). I don’t like it. I don’t actually *want* to be single, but I haven’t been able to meet somebody that I’m compatible with for longer than 3 months. And who is interested in something that’s not just a fling.

I remember seeing women that had never had a long-term relationship. That hadn’t had children. That seemed to be so lonely. Or that had been in a relationship, had children, and then were alone.

I don’t want to be that. I want to share my life with someone and at this point, I still want to have a child.

I feel like, for me, there’s something wrong with me. Like, why is almost everybody around me capable of finding relationships that work and I am not. When the people who were long-time singletons started getting married and having children, I knew…I started thinking, Maybe I should get use to the reality that I will be single forever. That I will never experience what it’s like to have a child. Or to have a partner that loves me and I love them and we want to build a life together.

It’s sad for me. I feel like it’s a loss. Instead of spending my life watching Netflix and sleeping, I want to be engaged and living life fully. But, I don’t.

The older I get, the shittier I feel about myself, it seems. I have a friend that I’ve known since I was about 10 and she has never had a boyfriend, ever. I feel sad thinking about that because that means there’s a part of life that she’s never experienced before. Never had sex (that I know of) and never experienced that intimacy.

I find that there are quite a few women I know who have that experience of perhaps having experienced relationships over the years, but now they’re very single and have been for a long time. Off the top of my head, I can’t think of one man I know that is in that position.

One of my friends who taught a course I took told me that perhaps it’s time to face the reality and let go of that hope. That the fact that I’m holding on to that hope is holding me back from getting the things that I want in life, which perhaps includes a relationship. It’s like a conundrum.

At this point, I think focusing on the things that I love in my life would be Step #1. Growing the things that I know I can and being open to a relationship, but not attached. The older that I get, the more the fear grows. I think the key would be to feel that fear and still proceed. I’m not less of a person for not having experienced that. A part of me is angry toward our society and the men in it because they have the luxury of being able to have a relationship and have children until they die, pretty much. Many younger women are interested in older men. Vice versa, not so much.

I just googled “older woman, younger man” and it brought up a list of famous couples. Of course, all of the women in these couples are very successful, and most are absolutely gorgeous as well. The one that I have seen quite a few times that surprised me the most was the couple that are 23 years apart and have 2 children together. WHOA. How did *that* happen? That’s something to aspire to! Hahah.

So, I dunno. I’m not sure what I’ll do, but I think letting go of the expectation that I need a relationship and a child  to be happy is a good start. Small steps…xo



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