I ask myself this sometimes. I feel like I’m still that 10 year old gangly kid that can’t seem to connect with other people.
When I was a kid, I spent a lot of my time with my nose in a book. I switched schools 12 times from kindergarten to Grade 12. I found it difficult to make friends each time and ended up that I found my friend in books.
Now, as an adult, I still find myself with the same habits of high school. This course that I just took had a group of women that were and would be considered the most attractive women of the course. They decided to make a Telegram group together and I found myself wanting to be included. Somehow, I didn’t seem to connect to many of these women throughout the course. They didn’t seem interested in me. That’s not accurate. I’m mainly referring to 2 of them specifically. The rest of them I did connect to.
We took a group selfie and one of those two women cropped it so it cut me out when she posted it as our group photo. And the reaction I feel about it…from being upset that she’d do that, to thinking that it’s because she doesn’t like me and that I’m not attractive enough, to wanting to say Fuck her because she’s rejecting me.
All quite childish responses, really. It’s something I’m working on though: working on loving myself, regardless of who else is around or if they like me or not. It’s hard. I base quite a bit of my self-worth on whether I’m attractive and the older that I get, the less attractive that I seem to get. Especially with glasses now.
However, I’m no longer that same awkward little girl. I’m technically a woman. Part of being a woman is to work on being solid in myself.
That is my focus. Teaching myself how to love myself!
First step: go to sleep and get some rest! xo