Where I am, there is an upper class and a lower class…the middle class barely exists.
So, in the course I am taking, it is the upper class that can afford to take it. People who come from very wealthy backgrounds, traveling the world, beautifully put together and dressed etc.
I find myself wanting to be like them…so seemingly self-assured, able to swap stories about their time in Ibiza, or their yoga retreats to India.
But I’m not. I really, really am not. My boss is. I am not. It feels very painful to admit fully to myself where I’m at and then trying to own it, embrace it, be okay with it.
I want to be one of these special people: highly regarded, important, successful, beautiful, well-dressed, wealthy, and in some ways, quite confident.
But, I’m not. And the truth is, I probably never will be. At this point in my life, a very late bloomer, I most likely will not. As my youth slips away, I mourn what could have been.
I was at a New Years party this year…well, there were 2 options of parties: one with the cool kids and one with the nerds. I chose the cool kids (it was planned first and I said that I would help with it). But, I found myself feeling less than with many of these successful, attractive people. I thought, Will they notice that I don’t belong here? That I’m the nerd and have snuck in here amongst these beautiful, successful people.
Having to wear these glasses I have has been an ego hit. Admitting how old I am and what I have not accomplished at this point in my life is an ego hit. Admitting that I’m very single=ego hit.
I know, logically, that at the base of this, what I need to focus on is what I want. What I want to work at and create in the world. I think that is the only thing that will save me from myself and my jealousy, low self-esteem and self-dislike.
And it needs to start now. I can take all of the courses in the world and hope for people to help me.
At the end of the day: it’s up to me. I am the one to take action and care about myself. Soon enough, this reality will stick and I’ll make a change. xo