Let’s Marvin Gaye and…

I was listening to a “relax pop” Spotify list and that song came on. The line, “Let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on”…in my interpretation means having sex. I was thinking about that. Sex. It feels like such a taboo topic. And, of course, it has various meanings to people.

My mom reads my blog so, Mamma…proceed at your own risk. 😉 Love you. 😀

Some people consider sex the insertion of penis in vagina, stereotypically. But then there’s man with man sex and women with women sex. So, what defines it?

Urban Dictionary defines it as, “Any consensual insertion of penis or penis like object into a bodily oriface can qualify as sex”. Their other definition is a bit more…heterosexual for one, and…well, this is what they say…”if a man ejaculates in a woman’s presence with her permission, consent, or active participation”.

Some people think kissing is sex. Or oral sex. There are so many interpretations that are not defined in the traditional baby-making viewpoint.

The part that I am intrigued by is, Why are we so uptight about it? I feel like most people that I meet and in most cultures (to varying degrees, of course), sex is not something that can be talked about openly. It’s like a hidden secret. Even though, we all got here because of it!

For myself, I’d like to be more open. Not be so fearful about it and be curious. In my older age now, I’m finally discovering how it is that I’d like it for me. For me, it’s not so much about the insertion, as it is about the connection with the person. Like many women, apparently, if there is no connection with the person or if I don’t like them as a human being in general, I most likely will not enjoy myself. Being that I’m also quite a somatic person, I love to touch and be touched. That is much more enjoyable for me than “pop it in, pump pump, done”. When I meet men that are willing to explore and take it slow, it feels like the golden unicorn. And it’s wonderful.

The other thing I was thinking about, and this is kind of a different topic, but it relates in that, for me, the difference between people being friends, and people being in a relationship is that in the relationship, they have sex.

I saw a picture of Mel Gibson on the red carpet with his pregnant girlfriend (wife?). Mel is 61 years old. His partner is 26 years old. He is 35 years older. My initial reaction was, OH MY GOD. That is such a huge age gap. And the thing is, I also have judgments and insecurities around that because I experience many men as going for the younger women, especially celebrity/famous men.

Then I reflected on a comment by Madonna where she said that she is often judged because she is with men that are up to 30 years younger than her. Then I thought, Damn right!! That’s awesome!!!

So, if I take away my fear of being single and unloved forever, I like it. I like that people of varying ages are connecting. There is no rule.

I also am trying to open up my mind that getting married and having kids isn’t the focus of life; the epitome of success. That we can have different partners throughout our lives. The idea still scares me. I have attempted a few times to be in casual relationships, but the only way it’s been sort of successful so far is when I don’t live in the same place as them. I feel like I’m fucked up when it comes to sex. I’m not exactly sure how, but I’d love to figure it out so that I feel more free around it and can connect and experience fully.

I feel frustrated that I’m still struggling with this when I perceive people around me in awesome relationships, and I can’t seem to find someone that I’m compatible with that wants to build a relationship with me, whether it be monogamous or not.

My current struggle right now is that I have been focused on a man that I’ve sort of known for about 7 years. We had a great connection one night, about a year and a half ago. He expressed that he’s only looking for a casual hook-up. At the time, I said that’s not something I’m into. Then 6 months ago, we slept together. Twice. It was not good. We are not compatible on that level. And yet, I still have this crush on him. I can’t figure out exactly why. I know that as a human being, I admire him. He is handsome (which I never thought before). I see his struggle in some ways and I want to support him. I have this urge to be close to him, but not in a sexual way.

And he wants nothing of it. He is polite, but the only interaction that he had wanted with me is a purely sexual one and when that didn’t work out, it feels like he didn’t want to have a friendship either. The hard part is that we are in the same personal growth community and I see him fairly often. I wish there were a way to stop it. STOP IT.

Sometimes I wonder if nuns have it good in that they don’t struggle with these emotional dramas of intimate relationships. Then I think of all of the amazing experiences that I’ve had and I wouldn’t want to give them up.

So, my goal is to work on being more open and embrace me, in all ways, including as a sexual being. And work on letting go of the attachments around it. As they say, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. There’s work to be done to understand and navigate that. I feel ready. Scared and vulnerable, but ready. xo

*M

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