Take your broken heart. Make it into art.

-Carrie Fisher (as recited by Meryl Streep)

What inspires you? What moves you? I think inspiration comes from so many different places.

Tonight, watching Meryl Streep’s acceptance speech for her Lifetime Achievement Award was moving. The things that she spoke about: compassion, empathy and accepting each other, are all things that I am working on in my life.

Having been an actor and always interested in the creative life, hearing her speech inspired me and also I felt sad. Mostly because what she spoke about is what I want to be in my life. I thought acting was the way, but I wasn’t committed or motivated enough. What she’s done with her career has been amazing!

I know the two times that I’ve felt the best singing in front of people, the quote in the title really applied. When I connected with the vulnerable things that I’ve experienced and then sang through that, I am told it was good.

When I was 11, I was watching “Full House” one day and I thought, I want to do that. I want to be an actor. Thinking back on it, I’m not sure exactly what I thought that meant, but it became almost an obsession. I wanted it, but I didn’t know how to get it.

I remember watching Whoopi Goldberg on the Oscars…I am not sure if it’s when she was hosting or…but basically, she said something like, “To all of you kids out there, we are waiting for you here”. I remember that stuck. I think I was 13 and thought, well even though I’m not a kid, I’m going to take it for me. It felt like a welcome with open arms to a girl, living in one side of a duplex with her 3 year old sisters and dad, who felt alone and unwanted in the world. It felt like her saying, You can have this! You can make it here!

Now, many years later, I watch inspiring people who I feel have accomplished so much in their one life. Part of me is inspired and amazed by what they’ve accomplished.

Another part of me is sad because I feel like I haven’t really accomplished much in my life. I also have this defeating feeling that I’ve wasted all of my viable years and that now I’ve missed the boat on achieving my dreams: of a career that I love and that is fulfilling; of finding a husband and partner to co-create life with; of having a child or two to continue on in this world and experience life in a totally different way;

I feel like I’m at a crossroads of letting go of the hopes of all of those things. Let it go. And from that place, go towards what I want. Strive and push and reach for what I want. And I’m going to fail. At least, I’ll have tried though. That satisfaction, in and of itself, and perhaps not recognized by anyone else, can be recognized by me. That’s what I’m working on.

This blog has been a start to how I want to write…I want to write a book about my life and connect by being vulnerable and sharing about me, so that others may also. xo

*M

 

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