Sometimes I really wonder…am I wiser? Every year, I feel like the more I get to know myself, the less experienced I feel.
People ask me how old I am and when they find out, they think, Nooooo. Really? Nooooo. That’s the most common response that I get. I’m not sure if it’s because I act young/immature (my theory) or because they’re use to seeing people look older at my age, or…? I’m not quite sure what it is.
I know that I can connect with younger people. There is a 16 year old and a 17 year old staying with us over Christmas and when they found out how old I am, they were both surprised. It happened again tonight when we went out for my birthday. A friend of my step-cousin’s thought I was 6 years younger than I actually am.
But, what is it? I think age is a funny thing, because how does the years that I’ve spent alive on Earth decide how I am or should be? I find that people have expectations that by a certain age, this is how one should be. For example, by 30, one should be married and on the way to popping out a baby. Should own a house or, at least, an apartment. Should have a job making good income. When one doesn’t conform to those age milestones, then one is considered unsuccessful in life.
It’s tricky. I feel that pressure, especially in terms of having children. On the one hand, I do want that happy marriage, house, cat, dog, children kind of life. And, on the other hand, I want to see the world, get to know myself and build an interesting, creative life.
So far, from the outside anyway, I’m failing at both. I’ve been single for 9 years (aka not in any form of committed relationship). My job has not been consistent in making money and right now, I live in a totally different country in interesting circumstances. I am in a lot of debt and don’t seem to be helping myself get out of it. I don’t have any particular passion that I’m pursuing. I don’t have a real focus in life. I’m not particularly good-looking. I rarely exercise.
And perhaps this negative view of myself permeates to others, because they sense the lack of confidence and passion and don’t want to be around it. This applies particularly to romantic relationships, but also to friendships.
So, what I’m working on in my life right now is discovering my passion. And following it, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard. Working on my self-confidence and loving myself exactly as I am, where I’m at. Regardless of what others think. That’s the key point here. And learning to compare me with me and to nobody else!
On this day of the anniversary of my birth, I send love to my family, who I am so grateful for and care about dearly; to my friends, ones who I’ve known for a long time and will always be there, even if they’re not actually near me; to the friends that are newer that I’m just getting to know; and to myself, because that’s the main source of all of my love and happiness. It lies within me. xo