Love is friendship that has caught fire…

This is the start of a quote by Ann Landers and I like it. I think the core of a solid relationship is a friendship.

Friends. When googled, a friend is defined as, “a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations”. That’s an interesting definition. When I think of my friends, I think there is a varied range of what the word means.

A friend…is a friend always a “mutual affection”? And how do we measure that? I guess, to whatever degree it is, there is a mutual affection, otherwise it would be “acquaintance”. Dictionary.com defines it as, the state of being acquainted or casually familiar with someone”. That seems true. People that are acquaintances feel like people who I don’t really know, may have met a few times. 

A friend to me, at the base, is someone that I care about to a certain degree. Someone that I have had a good conversation with, that I know about their life and they know about mine.

Recently, I was thinking about friends. There are people that I use to be closer with that now, I was thinking perhaps they are more like acquaintances. I was qualifying the word “friend” and referring to someone who knows me now. But, I have people who I use to know well and now don’t so much, that I consider to be a friend still. Like ex-boyfriends. I care about all of my ex-boyfriends. Even if I haven’t spoken to them in years. I still want to know that they are doing well.

There is a man that I have had various feelings about in the last 1.5 years. At one point, I said that I’d like to be friends with him, and he said, I consider us already friends. I thought about it, How do you consider us friends? We barely know each other. I think his definition revolved around the fact that we’ve been around each other for the last 7 years. We’ve never really “known” each other though, in my opinion. It was always quite casual and in passing. I don’t know if men experience this, or other women for that matter, but it’s interesting with him, because I have this feeling…this non-logical, not based by anything in reality feeling that I could have his children. It’s weird. I don’t even feel particularly attracted to him and I don’t think we are really sexually compatible, for that matter. But, I feel like I could have his kids. WTF, right? If you are a male reading this, here’s a little snippet into a female mind. Scary, hm? 😉

Regardless of if my fantasy has any baring of future reality, I do know that I want to know this man more. The more that I experience him and am around him, the more that I like him as a human. But right now, I’ve been trying to force it. I asked if he wants to hang out, he said, Sure, and then the next time I saw him, forgot about it. So, on his end, it doesn’t seem like he wants to get to know me better. Then I just feel like a mental stalker. Much like wine, sometimes it’s better to let it breathe. And let it be what it is, right now.

I have only briefly experienced that “on fire” type of love (or was it lust?) and I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever feel it again. That’s sad for me, but at the end of the day, as one of my friends pointed out, Let go of the hope. Let go of the fantasy. Live your life fully and if a relationship is meant to happen, it will. The best that I can do is work on me, fully and completely and be open to possibilities.

I just did one of those Word things where it says, What are the first 3 words that you see? And I think it was referring to my 2017.

I saw: Freedom. Kisses. Courage.

I like it. 🙂 xo

*M

 

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