Can you trust yourself?

This is a question that…well, my answer is, I don’t know. I feel like the muscle of inner honesty for myself is very weak. I tend to confuse myself. Then I get emotional and have a hard time evaluating a situation with a clear mind.

I had an interaction with someone tonight. I had suggested earlier in the week that we hang out. They had said, Sure. Tonight when their parents dropped me off at home, they said, “Merry Christmas”. I said, Well maybe next week… but they seemed confused and repeated something like Merry Christmas again and said, See you soon. To which I think I got flustered because I cannot remember what I did. I think I jetted out of the car and maybe said a quick Merry Christmas again. The perception of being rejected made me feel vulnerable and I got out of there.

Then I came into the apartment and was talking to my mom. I wasn’t being completely honest with myself about why I wanted to spend time with this person. I had my noble reason: because I want to get to know them as a person, and not as an object. But, I also had my needy reason: because I wanted to be around them and have their attention. So, fortunately she helped me through it and I decided not to message them or further push my needy agenda. Because of a feeling. I have an uncomfortable feeling. That I need to deal with myself…not involve this other person.

My (wise) mom made a point: sometimes we have to be patient with growing friendships. I find that I want to push them…I make a bunch of effort to further the friendship (aka hang out more, have deeper conversations), but at the end of the day, if the other person is not making that same effort, then they probably don’t actually want it.

In this case, this person has already said that they consider me to be a friend. However, my definition seems to be different from theirs! Answer: patience. Patience, patience, patience. If it’s meant to become a deeper friendship, then it will. I think the other person isn’t really interested in it becoming more, so…leave it. That part feels painful, but at the end of the day, it’s not worth it. Forcing things doesn’t work.

So, in all of this, I recognized that if I want to be able to trust my own judgement in these things, then I need to be a lot more honest with myself. Honest with how I do things and not delude myself about it. Then I’ll be able to trust where I’m coming from more and I’ll be able to love myself more. Oh, the pain in the process. You can do it! xo

*M

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