When I get that feeling, I want…

To cover it. You probably thought I was going to type, “sexual healing”?! I had that line in the song playing in my head, but the reality is…

I get a feeling…and it’s uncomfortable. So I want to cover it. I want the discomfort to go away, so I look everywhere to cover it up. And what better way to cover it up than to have a hot man lavish me with attention? Get the physical contact that I so rarely get and satiate in that.

<sigh> The thing is, there is nothing wrong with a physical connection with someone. Moreso, it’s about why we feel like we need that contact?

For example, I have attachments. I have this fantasy idea, that I most likely learned in the movies and children’s books, that one day I’ll meet the equivalent to my knight in shining armor and we’ll live happily ever after. Of course, at this age, I don’t actually think I’ll have some knight come and save me, but I do have this hope that I’ll meet a man who will be a great partner and we will have a child together and work and grow in our lives together.

Today, a friend challenged me to some reality: let go of that hope. Let it go. That fantasy does not exist. I *think* that I see couples all happy and having that experience, but most likely not. I see my grandparents relationship and I have aspired to that level of commitment and love that I perceive that I see. But, I have no idea what my grandparents’ relationship is really like. No idea.

Right now, I have focused on this one man that I know. I’ve known for quite a long time, but mostly only on a superficial level. I have two parts of me in regards to him: one part of me has this whole fantasy that we will both work through our shit and be in a relationship together and I’ll birth his children. The other part of me, the part that is less vested and not quite so much in fantasy-land, wants to get to know him as a friend. To build a real friendship with him, where I don’t want something from him and he shares his struggles and his ugly. He doesn’t need to show me the suave, woman-enticing self that he shows the world. Because we have a little bit of history, he may not have any interest in even being around me at all. I’m not sure. But, for my part, I’d like to put it out that I’d like to connect (in a non-sexual way). If he’s into that, cool. If he’s not, cool. I will be okay either way. And if it feels like I won’t be okay, I’ll feel that.

I am a work in progress. xo

*M

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