So, today, the first day of the course I’m taking, started out with some nice, light and easy questions: What is your purpose? Why are you here? You know, super easy.
Well, maybe for some people it is. For me, I feel like I do not know…or am not sure of what I want or what my purpose is in life. When I was thinking about it, I felt like it relates to being a student of life and constantly learning, while being an example to others of love and compassion and challenging ourselves to push past our fears.
I’m not exactly sure the path that I will take in order to pursue and uphold that, but I do know that I want to be the kind of loving and kind person that others will like to be around, for that reason.
I’m learning to separate the fact that who I am is not my actions. I am not my actions or my emotions or my results. That’s a tricky concept to grasp. When I am feeling a strong emotion, like today, I was having a whole thing in my head about how there’s a guy that I am attracted to and he’s not attracted to me how I want him to be and how that’s a problem and I feel like I’m not attractive enough or there’s something wrong with me and if I was like so-and-so or looked like so-and-so, then I’d be good enough. Blah blah blah.
Pardon my English, but it’s a whole lotta bullsh*t! I distract myself with these childish mind games with myself instead of really feeling what is going on for me. Why am I feeling the need to make a problem where there isn’t one?
And, I think it’s because I feel lonely. I want to have the deep kinds of friendships and eventually (hopefully soon), a relationship, where we really get to know each other, with all of our strengths and faults, and really support and uphold each other. That’s what I want. I’m sad that I haven’t found that yet. But, I’m also fine without it. I’m actually fine. I don’t *need* it to be okay.
So, it’s time for bed. I feel exhausted. It was a long day, but great. Sleep, and then tomorrow…Day 2! xo