I alone

I was thinking about it today…I miss living alone. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent most of my life living with people. Maybe it’s because I live in where I work. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to have to answer to anybody but myself.

I have only lived alone for about 2 years total, my entire life. The first time ever was when I was 19 and my dad decided I was too old to live at home anymore (he was kicked out at 17), even though I had full time university and had a job. I was fortunate that I was offered to live in a basement suite in the house of my ex-boyfriend’s family friends. I was very grateful because it was the first time I hadn’t lived at home (or with my mom or my dad or some form of someone taking care of me). In that case, it was more like I was living with someone else’s family (even though I had my own suite) because I didn’t pay for any bills etc. That was for 4 months. I enjoyed that time, I think. I know I wasn’t there very often because I worked, and hung out with friends a lot.

The next time was when I was 23/24, and I lived in Korea. I was teaching English and they provided us with these small one room bachelor suites (with an adjoining bathroom). It was my own little space, with a hot plate stove and a little fridge. There I felt quite lonely, but I think that was more because of living in a foreign country with co-workers that weren’t very friendly. I ate a lot of ramyeon: kimchi flavor.

And the last time was just before I took this job…I lived by myself for 7 glorious months in a bachelor apartment in an area of town that I love, just a few blocks from the beach. That was my favourite. I arranged the space how I liked it and made it my own. It was almost a shock starting this job and being thrown into not only living with a ton of people, but also sharing  a bedroom with one or two people at a time. It was not ideal.

Now, I miss it. This last year in this job has been one of the most challenging of my life (this year and also the year I was doing my Bachelor of Education and also the year in Korea). In Korea and also in this job, even though there are people around, I feel alone. I’m not really *that* upset by it because at this point in my life, I am use to being alone. I am use to rarely talking to my friends. I think it’s an age thing and a time in my life thing. People are all married, with children and their lives revolve around that and their jobs. I *live* at my job, so there’s that.

I think that once we are able to be alone with ourselves and really enjoy choosing that, then we can also be able to be with others. In a way, when I think about getting married and having my own children, it seems overwhelming. But, I think I’m ready for it. xo



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