I think that you never fall out of love with somebody, you just let go and move on.

-Ashley Rickards

I relate to this quote so much. I feel like I still love every person I’ve dated and slept with…or more like, I care about them in some way. And for the more serious relationships, of which there have been a small handful, this quote applies.

Letting go and moving on. I think that has been a challenge these last 9 years. Yes, you read it correctly. I’ve been single for NINE years. Holy crap, right? I mean, I’ve dated people…but not more than 3 months and it’s always been quite casual…I ended up attracting men that are only interested in casual dating. What was the catalyst for this?

9 years ago I dated someone who I thought I was going to marry. Who was the first person that I felt what I could call “being in love” with them. And he with me, for the first time. He had never been in a boyfriend/girlfriend, “serious” type relationship. I’d never been in love and to the best of our capacities, we fell hard. But, I had blinders on and when it ended, I didn’t want to see how it wasn’t working. So, I hurt. “It hurt real bad”. And I think a part of me hasn’t ever been able to open up again.

Tonight, someone was asking me about how it feels…because with that person who I thought I was going to marry, they have become a very successful person, pursued their dreams and worked hard and they are now “winning at life”. After me, they were single for 4 years, but then met someone who fit their life so well. We have kept in touch, as “friends”, but more like acquaintances…especially after he and his current girlfriend became serious.

I, on the other hand, have nothing much to show for the last 9 years of my life. I think I subconsciously internalized this feeling of unworthiness and let that overshadow my interactions with men. So, yes…when I was asked, and I thought about it, it IS hard to see my last love so happy, successful and in love, when I have none of those things and have managed to “waste” the last 9 years, instead of bettering myself and working on caring about and liking myself more.

I find it hard to let go. My ex is somewhat revered by certain people, so when they hear that I dated him, people think, Oh wow! Really? It’s probably how Brad Pitt’s high school girlfriend might feel…like, we are both just normal people, but due to their success, people think that they’ve changed and that somehow, due to their success, it makes you special somehow…that they chose you. I think I deluded myself a bit like that. To try to make myself feel better.

Actually, I still do it. When there’s somebody that I find really attractive and/or successful and/or an awesome person (especially when a lot of other people like them) and they choose me, even if just for one night, I make it mean that there’s something special about me, because of how other people have reacted about that person.

It’s so not true, is it? Each of us are individual people and our value and worth are not determined by how much money we make, how many degrees from Kardashian we are or how “perfect 10” we might look. So, when we experience those interactions with people…some may be fleeting, others may be deep and profound…none of them mean anything about us, but we can enjoy them while we have them and then let go. I want to grow myself to be the type of person that enjoys those interactions and then is able to let them go because I’m so solid and happy in myself. That’s what I aspire to. Shall we? 🙂 xo

*M

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