Ohhhh jealousy….I use to think it said, “All Hail Jealousy”…the Gin Blossoms song from the 90s. I hum that in my head when I’m feeling moments of jealousy.
Jealousy. It’s a tricky one. I find it rises up unexpectedly and I struggle with it. I struggle with not reacting to it, because I do not like that feeling. And sometimes it’s with such silly things!
For example, twice today I have clear examples of feeling it. I help take care of twins. One of the twins was really attached to the day nurse who worked with me and he rarely would let me feed him on the bottle right before bed. He would scream and cry if anybody but her would feed him. She recently left and since then, I’ve been working at building rapport with him so he’ll feel comfortable. I’ve been successful twice so far and I felt such glee. His brother on the other hand will eat with pretty much anybody no problem (for the bottle, anyway).
But tonight, after I had bathed him and everything, I got the current day nurse to help clean his nose. He does NOT like that and so he got upset. Unfortunately, he then wanted to go with her. I tried to carry him to eat, but he did his usual thing of freaking and screaming, so I passed him on to the day nurse to feed him. I found myself feeling so hurt and jealous that he would go with her and not with me. She has been around on and off since he was born, mostly working with him at night, feeding him. So presumably he is use to her. I’ve been around just as long as her, but not as much for feeding time. I’m lower down the feeding totem pole.
The thing for me to look at is, What do I make it mean that he didn’t want to eat with me? Why do I feel rejected? Obviously, this isn’t an isolated incident and I’ve felt rejection in other places too.
On a different note of jealousy…I’m a part of a personal growth course. The course has various curriculi that it teaches and there’s an awesome one coming up and it just so happens that it’s going to be taught here, where I am, for the first time, and by the most skilled facilitator in the company. I have a friend coming to take it. I just found out I have another friend coming to take it as well! Then a few other women that I know are coming and I totally felt JEALOUS. Like, I WANT TO DO IT TOO!!!!
But, the course is very expensive. It would also mean I’d have to take off more work time. And I’m already taking another course that is also very expensive. So, three strikes I’m out. I can feel this jealousy seething though. Stemming from my major entitlement that I want to do it. (That is how I have ended up in so much debt though, so there’s that).
So, I guess the biggest question when I feel jealous is: what exactly do I think I’m missing out on? Or more specifically, what’s missing in me that I choose to feel that way? That’s something that I’ll be pondering tonight. Off the top of my head, I think with the baby, it’s because I want to feel needed by him, since my life pretty much revolves around him. When I don’t feel that connection with him, I perceive my job as being less worthwhile (as many other things are quite challenging in my job). With missing out on the course, I project that I’m going to miss out on this amazing experience with a bunch of amazing people that I know. Like somehow my life will be less without it. That’s just not true. I’ll be having a different experience with the course that I’ve already committed to.
In those moments of jealousy, if we are able to look at what we think we are missing and look into ourselves, then we can find the key to working through it, instead of letting it sit like a dark cloud above our heads. And then…let it go….let it goooooo! 🙂 xo
P.S. This is the wikipedia definition: Jealousy is an emotion, and the word typically refers to the thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, concern, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of status or something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection.