When I was first thinking about what I wanted to write about today, I thought I’d write about when I did a year of no drinking alcohol. I thought it was kind of funny that tonight I chose to buy a bottle of Bailey’s and have a drink, and then write about my year of not drinking.
What happened instead is that the alcohol is allowing me to feel more fearful and instead, I’m thinking about Death. Death of my loved ones, specifically.
My grandma is my very favourite person in the world, hands down. Along with my grandpa. They are the two and only people in the world that have stuck by me my whole life, regardless of if I make life choices that they don’t agree with. They kind, loving, loyal and amazing people.
My grandma is diabetic. She took this shot for the arthritis in her back and it is making her sugar skyrocket. Therefore, she is taking more insulin to combat that and is only eating about one meal a day. She has had quite a few times where she wakes up in the night so out of it because her sugar has dropped so low that she barely is able to eat something or get my grandpa to wake up to help her. It scares me. Now with her insulin/sugar levels fluctuating so erratically, I found myself feeling scared.
What would I do without my favourite person in the world? I tend to be a dramatic person, especially in my imagination. And the thought of living without my grandma and grandpa here…I feel like I wouldn’t want to live. Like this place would be so empty and I’d feel lost.
Now, I’m well aware that the bit of Bailey’s that I have is probably magnifying these feelings (alcohol is a depressant after all). I guess it brings up some of the feelings that we don’t want to feel. I don’t like to think about Death. Mine or anybody else’s.
I had this thing I would do which started around when I was 8. I would picture the Earth spinning around and around and around. Then I would think of myself dying. And the Earth keeps spinning and spinning and spinning and I think, I never come back. EVER. Once I die, that’s it. That’s it for me. It still scares the shit out of me. Only existing right now and never existing again. EVER. Forever and ever. It still scares me right now. Not in the same crippling way as before, but the thought still scares me. Sometimes I wish I were ignorantly religious and genuinely believe that when I die, I go to heaven and am reunited with all of my loved ones and we’re all happy forever. I really, really wish that. To have that comforting feeling and to not fear death, I think would be such a nice feeling. I envy people who have that, in a way.
Death is also usually a sharp contrast for people to actually then go and live their lives. I’ve read and heard about various stories of people who get sick, then get better and really realize what a precious gift our lives are. How beautiful it is that we are here and interacting with each other. They say, We can’t appreciate one thing without having experienced the opposite. How much would we appreciate the Light without ever having experienced the Dark.
So, I’m making a shift…instead of focusing and dwelling on the fear of losing my precious ones, I want to enjoy my time that I have with them right now. Even though I’m far away from my grandparents, I enjoy texting with my grandma every day. I think I’m due for a Skype call too (then my grandpa will come and talk too). I truly feel so grateful to have them in my life. Vi voglio tanto tanto tanto bene per sempre, Nonni!!! xo