All the Single Ladies, all the single Ladies…

But where are the single men? Where are the single men who may be interested in a relationship? Where are the single men, interested in a relationship that want children?

It feels like finding that would be the golden unicorn in my 30s. Do these men even exist? At this point in my life, I am not sure if I will actually meet someone who wants to be in a relationship and create a life together.

I know that I have had many amazing and uncomfortable, but worthwhile learning experiences dating in my 30s (and late 20s…since my last serious relationship). However, I can’t seem to meet someone who actually wants to date and grow in a relationship together.

So far, it seems that the men I attract are:

  • interested in “hanging out”, but casually and sporadically; nothing “serious”
  • may want a relationship type interaction with me, but also with her and her and her etc
  • have been married, divorced and have 1 or more children

Or a combination of all three. I realize that there is something that I am doing that is attracting these types of guys…is that all that I’m attracted to? The men that don’t actually match my values?

Now, a man who has been married before and has children is not a problem, per se. Ideally, I’d love to create a life with someone who is curious and excited to create and grow it with me and is not also focused on children he shares with someone else. Or jaded from a nasty divorce. Or…? And perhaps that’s why I’m still single. Ha.

Today, I happened to be chatting with someone and having what I experienced was a great conversation. I thought, Wow! Could I be interacting with someone who I find attractive and…? So, I did the only logical thing, and I went home and Facebook creeped him. Turns out…he’s married with three adorable children and a beautiful wife, with the same first name as me.

Admittedly, I have work to do on myself. Perhaps to be more open-minded with the people I meet…perhaps there is a part of me that is shutting down possibilities with certain people based on looks, what they do in their lives, how they are. I feel like I have tried to be more open-minded, especially in the last few years. I’ve challenged myself to interact with men who want to sleep with various women at the same time as hanging out with me. I tried to convince myself that I’m okay doing that, because I felt it opened up options of who I interact with. Granted, I did have some beautiful connections with a few of these men. But, it’s not what I want. I found that out one night, when my body essentially shut down. It was painful, but a clear sign to me.

There is a fear that I will be alone forever. My grandma points out the downside of that: who will I have to do family get-togethers with? Will I tag along with my sisters’ families? Family is very important to me. I feel sad when I think about never having the experience of growing, birthing and raising a child. I also mourn the thought of never having experienced having a relationship with someone, through the ups and the downs of life and growing together. Helping each other through our down times. Supporting each other through whatever adversity may come up. Being a team. Growing stronger through the struggles. The deep connection that can often result from that. The longest relationship I’ve ever been in was 2.5 years, when I was 21.5-24. And I haven’t had a relationship in 9 years. I feel sad because this isn’t how I saw my life being.

At the end of the day, I want to have a relationship with a man that is interested in building one with me. A man that shares similar values to me, that wants to grow and explore the world and ourselves, and have the experience of raising a child (or two) together. I am putting that out there to the Universe (as my parents say). In the meantime, while being open to that, I will be working on growing myself into being the type of partner I’d want to be with: someone who is confident, passionate about what they’re doing in their life, who is compassionate and kind and fully whole in my own self. A work in progress. xoxo

*M

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One thought on “All the Single Ladies, all the single Ladies…

  1. *M, I feel your pain and the dilemma you face. I am compelled to offer you some unsolicited advice!! I want you to have your dream life, including a partner and children and growth… 🙂

    It sounds to me like you are TOO accommodating and too open. At this point, having tried different alternatives (like the open relationship thing I think you implied), you can say you have given it a shot. Now is the time to pull out the vision board, put very specific details on it and hold steady on finding THAT guy. If you know what you want, it’s easy to evaluate a person as a “fit” or “not a fit,” which doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have a great friendship with many men… But you will very efficiently spend your precious relationship/romantic time with men who have a shot of being your life partner.

    And another interesting idea I have is to ask men who are a close fit to what you want, for referrals… tell them what you’re looking for and ask them if they know anyone 😉 men can be quite pragmatic about this and I bet you could get some great introductions!

    Like

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