Sometimes I feel lonely. Like, I’m all by myself in this great, big world we live in. Currently, I am in a city with 22 million people. I live with 5 other people, plus live in help, and in the past year, I’ve lived with more people than that, and I still feel lonely sometimes.
Right now, I’m sitting, by myself, on my bed. I have just spent about an hour on Facebook, looking at people’s pictures. Liking this and that. Watching a few videos. Chatting with a friend and an acquaintance. I polished off a 6 pack of Oreos, dipped into some garlic cheese balls and had a few crackers. I just ate dinner. (that’s a whole other topic…using food to not feel…or to feel good).
What does lonely even mean then? I think many people equate loneliness with being alone. Perhaps it’s related to that, in that, although I’m surrounded by so many people, I don’t feel like I’m really, genuinely connecting to them. I feel alone here in my head and heart. It’s this separate feeling. Like I’m not understood and that nobody really wants to understand me.
From a logical place, I question…is that because people genuinely don’t want to get to know me? Or it is because I’m not allowing them in to get to know me? It feels vulnerable to open up to people and be my authentic self. I use to have a survival mechanism where I’d try to adapt my personality to whoever I wanted to be friends with (or in a relationship with). I didn’t like being alone in my head and I wanted companionship, so the best way I knew how to attract people to me, I thought, was to adapt myself to what they like. Become interested in what they’re interested in, to the point that I lost myself.
Because, I feel like, being and feeling lonely is a choice. You can talk to some people who are by themselves often and they love it. They don’t feel lonely. With themselves, they have such a solid connection that they don’t *need* anybody else to fulfill that. There’s a difference between liking connecting with people and feeling like I need it.
In the past, I’ve dipped my toe into trying out some meditation, yoga and a singing lesson, where I was to focus and connect with my body. It can be scary to sit with myself. I also know that when I’m brave enough to do so, I love it. I feel more alive! Ideally, that’s how I want to live my life. I am a work in progress, searching to live my life more along my love than my fear.
Connecting with my fellow humans directly versus on social media, calling people, meeting new people and most importantly, connecting with myself will lead me to feel more solid in myself and when loneliness creeps up, I can check in with myself and ask, What’s really going on?
I can relate to this quote by Jonathan Safran Foer,
“Why do I write? It’s not that I want people to think I am smart, or even that I am a good writer. I write because I want to end my loneliness.”
I think that’s part of the journey of why I have started on this blogging quest. I want to share myself and connect with other people. Let go of the lonely. xoxo